It's time to get down to the most serious topic I'll ever blog about here on my website.

I have personally diagnosed myself with Bipolar Disorder (after doing research) this past January. An episode of Degrassi from a while back, research on the condition, and taking multiple online tests have lead to my personal diagnosis. The reason I refuse to seek a doctor/therapist's diagnosis is because doctors always tell you "Something's wrong, you need medication". I refuse to take medication after what I went through in the Fall of 2009 with ADHD.

I'll quickly tell that story because it intertwines with this issue. Fall of 2009, my mom brought me to a therapist to see if I could get medication to stabilize my Asperger's Syndrome to better improve my performance in school. Instead of getting medication for that, I get diagnosed with ADHD and given Byuproprian/Buproprian to help my ADHD and depression issue I was going through at that time. The small pills didn't do a thing and the bigger pills that she made me take made both problems worse. Because of that failure of an experience with medication, I refuse to take pills to treat things outside of what aspirin can help with.

So I choose not to seek professional help to prevent myself from potentially being subjected to that cycle again like I did almost 6 years ago. The thing about Bipolar Disorder is that it can pretty much be described as mood swings to a certain degree. One moment, I could feel good and have energy and then suddenly because silent and depressed the next. I easily recognize this happening while I'm at work, sometimes at home. The one benefit of Bipolar Disorder though is I can suddenly have periods of high creativity, which is great for planning together video ideas to get me out of any Writer's Block. Although, it's scary when it happens.

The true issue with the condition is the mood swings itself. Sometimes, I can feel good and just try to have fun. Before I know it, I can suddenly become isolated and feel like having an emotional breakdown without saying a word to anyone beforehand. I've already had a handful of times where I felt like I was going to have an emotional breakdown during work and took a LOT of inner power to hold that all in. If that's not a struggle from within, I don't know what is (other than struggling to prevent myself from going nuts and destroying junk).

One thing I think is starting to become therapeutic, in a way, is doing my YouTube videos (primarily, my occasional Ultimate Rant videos). It's something that helps divert my mind onto something different and keeps me at a stable level. The Ultimate Rant videos seem to help me in order to let out any inner emotion/anger I have rather than bottling stuff up. But there's a different side to me when that camera is off. I can get my energy up for my videos, but then feel and act a different way when I'm not on camera.

One thing I know has been affecting my mood as well is something that has been screwing with me for the past year and 8 months: Being single. Why is that affecting me? Well, it's because of a few things listed below.

1. I can't stand being alone. Being alone for such a lengthy period of time makes me fear that I'll be alone forever, which I know NOBODY enjoys.
2. There are so many relationship-type experiences that I'm missing out on, despite being 23. 99% of the time, if you list something you can do in a relationship, you'll be listing something I still haven't done.
3. I've become severely fed up with my co-workers rubbing it in my face that they've been through relationship stuff (relationships, marriages, sex, etc) and I haven't. The 2 things I hear the most coming out of their mouths is "You need a woman" and "You need to get laid". TELL ME SOMETHING I HAVEN'T HEARD A BILLION TIMES!

Something that has been haunting me as well is something that I didn't think would be like this, not having a girlfriend that lives in the same state as me in the past 8 years. My first relationship, which was the only relationship of mine with a woman that lives in the same state as me, ended in late-September of 2007. Since then, not 1 woman in the state of Michigan has wanted to be with me. I'll let you digest that statistic right there.

To simply think that nobody that I graduated high school with wanted to be with me is honestly a startling thing. Not being with a woman who went to the same school as me from 10th-12th grade was a primary reason why I didn't even bother attending my Senior Prom to avoid going alone and feeling down about it. Being single right now is also a reason why I don't even want to attend this upcoming scheduled "5-Year High School Reunion" that's planned for next month. Everyone I graduated with will be there, talking about their great lives since high school of having a great job and that someone special. What will I say I've gotten since high school? A job I've been at for the last 2 years and YouTube. Ok, that's one thing. Now what about that special someone or at least a girlfriend at that point? 

I've looked myself in the mirror NUMEROUS times and ask myself the same question every single time. "What the hell has happened to me?" Being single for this lengthy period of time, having Bipolar Disorder, and intolerable co-workers (not all of them are intolerable, let me make that clear) is migraine-inducing. Being alone this long has even gotten me into the mindset that my dating life is officially over at this point. I've always dreamed of this amazing and happy life for me to live, but how do I know that it can happen at this point?

I need to find a way to overcome this and regain control of my life, but I just don't know how right now.